Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
