he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize