What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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