Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
