Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
