I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize