When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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