you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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