I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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