it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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