i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
