"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
