Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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