Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
