walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
