I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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