We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
