I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
