Already got asked if we're dating
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
