The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
