I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
