I cut my penus on the lid.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
