After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
