I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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