Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
