i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
