Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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