i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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