how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
