i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Also, beer. Big fan.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
