so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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