dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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