Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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