My first STD was from a foam party
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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