So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
