yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
