Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
