Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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