the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
