fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
