My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
