Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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