I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
