i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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