I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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