all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Randomize
