I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
