o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
