Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
