Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
