Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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