I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
