Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
