Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
