I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I stole a fireplace last night.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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