I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize