I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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