someone threw a dead crab at me
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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