Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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