lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
