shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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