she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
