Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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